Why Do I Race?

April 29, 2022 by Adam Miller

I’ve been sitting on this entry for a couple weeks now and have come to 2 conclusions about it: 1) there’s no perfect time to publish this, 2) I can’t wordsmith this just right to communicate everything I’d like to say exactly how I’d like to say it. With round 1 fast approaching, it’s time to put this out there in spite of the issues with it.

For those not already in the know, I’m the father of a great little boy named Emerson, just under 2 years old, father-to-be of a second son still in the oven, and husband to a wife who is supportive of my racing in big ways in spite of objections to the dangers of the sport. In such a position, it’s impossible not to occasionally question what you do, especially when that something involves routinely putting your life at risk. Before my fellow racers leave this page after reading the first few lines, I know that motorcycle racing is not the same as entering a war zone or the like, so I’m not equating the risk to something like that. We make this sport as safe as we can and the risks are measured, but I think we can collectively agree that, among hobbies to choose from, it has to be among the most dangerous. In the world of amateur racing where the reward is essentially bragging rights, I think it is healthy to occasionally reflect on this fact to ensure that, come raceday, you can go out on to a racetrack safely. If you grid up and the lights go out on a head filled with self doubt, you should probably stay home.

As I watch my son grow and await the arrival of our second, I wonder if I have the right mindset to go racing. Should I stop? Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Miller Family, Salida, CO, Christmas 2022

I don’t have a unique world view but it is, perhaps, an uncommon one. I don’t think there’s much rhyme or reason to why we’re here, no grand design, no fate. I believe the only things that have value in life are things we define for ourselves. Sometimes these things have collective agreement, but sometimes they don’t. When they don’t, who’s to say which ideas are better than others? For reasons I can’t explain that would satisfy those who question the endeavor of racing, I find value in it. Racing is not a rational act, but then again, people are not rational creatures. Yes, racing is a risky thing to do and motorcycle racing is riskier still. Every year, there are serious injuries in this sport and sometimes people pay the ultimate price. However, if we all waited for the approval of others to find rational means of being happy, we’d all be miserable.

Bearing in mind that not everyone shares my view, I have to consider that when the unthinkable happens there are always people left behind to grieve. This is something I know, personally, as I’m sure many others do as well. It’s a sad situation that draws into question the justification for racing. Why? Why the hell do we do this, especially at the amateur level where the reward has nothing to do with livelihood? When I hear this question, I realize that there are actually 2 questions being asked: 1) why race in general? 2) why take such a big risk for such a small reward?

I can’t answer these questions for every racer, but I can speak for myself. I race, in general, because it gives me a huge sense of fulfillment. That explanation is easy for most people to accept. To answer the second question, I have to explain that I’m put together a little differently than most. I have jumped from one dangerous activity to another since childhood because it feels natural to me. Although I’d bet some would pass this off as a typical ‘adrenaline junkie’, I think that phrase minimizes the emotional aspect of adventure; there’s a part of me that only feels alive when I’m doing these things. I could stay at home and play it safe, but I’d be anesthetizing a huge part of myself in the process and I wouldn’t be the guy that some people close to me know and love anymore. Isn’t willingly sacrificing a large part of yourself in the name of mortal safety just as bad as risking your life to be who you are? Is it not, perhaps, even worse? To take one last stab at it: if my ability to pursue challenging, exciting, and, yes, risky, activities were taken away, I don’t see how that’s much different than a lobotomy. I wouldn’t be me anymore.

In the end, I love my sons, both born and unborn, I love my wife, my family, and my friends. I don’t want these people to lose me to a hobby, but the version of me I assume they love exists because I’m a passionate guy who pursues my ambitions in spite of the risks that come with them. That’s how I’ve lived my life for as long as I can remember. Although I don’t believe what I’m doing is a death sentence, I have to concede that it’s a risky hobby. If the unthinkable were to happen, I’d hope those close to me understood that I was doing something that made me feel whole along with other slices of life including being a father, a husband, a friend, a decent engineer, and a big, burly, beast of a man in assembly CAD modeling. I personally believe the pursuit of such things is the best way to live a life, risks be damned.

So to bring things full circle: where do I currently fall on [the racing headspace] spectrum? Should I stop? Am I doing this for the right reasons?

General headspace: I’m currently frothing at the mouth to get on the track and give it everything I have. I’m not planning on being dangerous or aggressive, and I expect the same courtesy from fellow racers, but if we meet on the track and you’re in my spot, especially in my championship class, I’m gonna fight you for it. Then, we can have a beer together afterward. I think that means my head is on straight to go racing.

Should I stop?: With everything I’ve put into this endeavor: the physical training, the money, the current timing of life events, the class I’m in, the bike I have, the ambition I carry, my philosophy about this whole thing; it would be crazy to stop now. I’ll never get a chance this golden in motorcycle racing again. Stopping right now doesn’t even seem like a possibility in my head.

Am I doing this for this right reasons?: I honestly don’t know, because I am not going to self appoint myself as the ambassador of universal life values, but it makes sense in my head, and it feels like the right way to live my life. If I don’t get to self determine life values on my own terms, what kind of existence is that? Although the phrase “never lift” started out in jest many years ago, it really has become a big part of the way I live and is adjacent to something like, “be relentless in the pursuit of your passions.” But “never lift” rolls off the tongue way better, so it continues to get good use.

“Never Lift” in Full Effect, Race Slicks in 2” of Standing Water, Talladega GP, 2019

This update was a slightly heavy think piece about the irrationality of racing and how to reconcile that with a generally rational personality. I felt it was necessary to put this thought process out there for some folks close to me so that they might understand my headspace before I dive into a season of full throttle racing with ambitious goals in mind. Some more updates are coming soon with some lighter reading and content more true to the goal this year. Stay tuned.

If you’re enjoying the updates, please consider supporting my program and helping me achieve a dream of mine. Whether it’s a $20 donation through my Give Now page, or sending me spare parts, everything helps and everything is appreciated.

Cheers,

Adam Miller